I had a lovely little Easter morning with my immediate family, looking through our Easter baskets (yep, we still get them), eating blueberry muffins and getting ready for church. Church was a bit long...we had to stand in the back the whole time, which is good for people watching, but not good for paying attention. Then we headed to my Grandma's, where my leaky eyes got the best of me.
Yes, leaky eyes. You know when you start to cry and then stop, but feel as if you're on the verge of tears for a while after the fact? Well maybe that's not common, but for me, it's a regular occurrence. And it is SO annoying.
It started over brunch, when my brother unintentionally insulted me in front of a bunch of my very impressionable cousins. I was so embarrassed. While everyone else laughed it off, I felt really uncomfortable as I tried to nurse my hurt feelings.
So I got up and mingled around for a bit, then came back and tried to shake it off. But then my Mom started motioning to me from the other room, telling me to come join her conversation with my uncle. So I ran over to see what was up and realized that they were talking about my upcoming job search/move to Milwaukee.
And that was when I started panicking. I've never had a panic attack or an anxiety attack or whatever, and maybe that wasn't what it was, but all of a sudden I got really hot and clammy, felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest and felt tears well up in my eyes.
I quietly listened and fought back tears while my uncle, in a very stern, matter-of-fact voice told me I should be prepared to be unemployed, anger my current coworkers and boss, and have an impossible time finding a job.
It got to be too much for me. In one crazy moment, I bolted from my chair, ran upstairs and burst into tears in my Grandma's bathroom. Totally uncalled for, but I just couldn't help it.
After a few minutes, I composed myself and went back downstairs. I couldn't look my uncle in the eyes, but my Mom turned around and asked if I was okay. And that set me off again. I ran back upstairs, tears welling up again.
When I came down again, my cousin asked if I was ok...and it set me off again. (Don't you know you're NEVER supposed to ask someone if they're ok if look like they've just been crying??) It literally happened 6 times. I begged my sister to go since she was driving me home and luckily she agreed. I just couldn't stop crying. And I wasn't even upset, my eyes just had a mine of their own. I was completely mortified.
And it wasn't really what my uncle said, it was how he said it. I think I was more shocked than anything because he's a really nice guy. I guess he felt really bad, but I didn't talk to him before I left. Between my convo with him and my brother's unkind words, I had had enough.
I feel really bad that I let it all get to me, but I just felt so overwhelmed. Apparently my upcoming move is a much touchier subject than I realized. Yikes.
So now I'm curled up on my couch, watching The Sound of Music and trying to get over my embarrassment. At least it was just family, right? Ugh. It's still bad.