Cue Kool & The Gang's "Celebration" and cliche image of a celebratory cupcake:
I thought long and hard about how I could make this post "special". So I thought I'd share with you the funniest (in my opinion) story I have. Well, two short stories actually. I keep them locked tightly in my brain so as not to humiliate myself. But for you, dear readers, I'll gladly pull them out.
“It feels so good, I just want to stick it between my legs.”
For a minute, I didn't realize what I had said. My Dad paused, gave me a funny look and then quickly decided to ignore my statement. He must have thought I was hallucinating in the heat or something. My boyfriend immediately burst out laughing, and once again, I wanted to die of embarrassment. I meant to say that the cold cup felt good against my skin…but yeah, there was no salvaging that one.
My lucky boyfriend got to witness both moments firsthand. He thinks they’re hilarious and LOVES to tell people. He regaled my cousins with the stories so now at every family gathering at least one person makes a hilarious joke about things coming in my mouth. Really classy, I know. My aunt and uncle had a field day with that one.
Both stories have one thing in common: my obliviously dirty mind. Without intending to, I say some really inappropriate things at really inappropriate times. If you look at me, you’d never expect it. I’m like a straight up prep monster (so, really preppy). I’m totally traditional, really shy about a lot of things and just a tiny bit naïve. So basically, I'm like a blonde-ish Charlotte York. And I think that’s why when people hear these stories, they're a bit shocked. And that's what probably makes them a bit more amusing, too.
A couple summers ago, I went out to stay with my boyfriend and his family at their home in Massachusetts. I was there for about a week and then my family was flying out for a week to vacation at the Cape. So on my last night with his family, his parents took us out for a really nice dinner. I had this amazing pineapple chicken meal that I was kind of obsessed with it. And I was determined to savor every last bit.
So as everyone finished eating, there was lull in the conversation. And in that quiet moment, I looked down and noticed I still had a piece of chicken left. My eyes lit up as I excitedly exclaimed,
“Oh, this little guy needs to come in my mouth right now!”
I kid you not. That is exactly what I said. Word for word. My boyfriend almost choked on his food. His kind, sweet, conservative parents pretended not to hear, but to this day, I think they wisely chose to ignore my outburst. I was so embarrassed. But at the same time, I was trying so hard not to laugh. I couldn’t even look at my boyfriend again for fear of causing a scene. So I sat staring down at the table, biting my lip and giggling quietly to myself. Yeah...I think his parents think I’m a bit of a head case.
So you would think after that embarrassing moment, I would learn to think before I speak. Not so much. 6 days later, I almost outdid myself.
By that time, my family has joined us out East and while we were all staying at the Cape, our families met up to go to a Red Sox game together. Unfortunately, it happened to be the hottest day of the year. The heat index was 112 that day and we were sitting in direct sunlight in the outfield. So needless to say, it felt like I was wrapped in tin foil and sitting in a sauna in a giant oven on the surface of the sun.
When the frozen lemonade vendor came around, I just had to have one. I didn’t even want to eat it, I just wanted to hold it. But of course, I cracked it open and shared it with my Dad. As we were eating it, my boyfriend leaned over and asked me how it was. I told him it was nice and cold and said,
A couple summers ago, I went out to stay with my boyfriend and his family at their home in Massachusetts. I was there for about a week and then my family was flying out for a week to vacation at the Cape. So on my last night with his family, his parents took us out for a really nice dinner. I had this amazing pineapple chicken meal that I was kind of obsessed with it. And I was determined to savor every last bit.
So as everyone finished eating, there was lull in the conversation. And in that quiet moment, I looked down and noticed I still had a piece of chicken left. My eyes lit up as I excitedly exclaimed,
“Oh, this little guy needs to come in my mouth right now!”
I kid you not. That is exactly what I said. Word for word. My boyfriend almost choked on his food. His kind, sweet, conservative parents pretended not to hear, but to this day, I think they wisely chose to ignore my outburst. I was so embarrassed. But at the same time, I was trying so hard not to laugh. I couldn’t even look at my boyfriend again for fear of causing a scene. So I sat staring down at the table, biting my lip and giggling quietly to myself. Yeah...I think his parents think I’m a bit of a head case.
So you would think after that embarrassing moment, I would learn to think before I speak. Not so much. 6 days later, I almost outdid myself.
By that time, my family has joined us out East and while we were all staying at the Cape, our families met up to go to a Red Sox game together. Unfortunately, it happened to be the hottest day of the year. The heat index was 112 that day and we were sitting in direct sunlight in the outfield. So needless to say, it felt like I was wrapped in tin foil and sitting in a sauna in a giant oven on the surface of the sun.
When the frozen lemonade vendor came around, I just had to have one. I didn’t even want to eat it, I just wanted to hold it. But of course, I cracked it open and shared it with my Dad. As we were eating it, my boyfriend leaned over and asked me how it was. I told him it was nice and cold and said,
“It feels so good, I just want to stick it between my legs.”
For a minute, I didn't realize what I had said. My Dad paused, gave me a funny look and then quickly decided to ignore my statement. He must have thought I was hallucinating in the heat or something. My boyfriend immediately burst out laughing, and once again, I wanted to die of embarrassment. I meant to say that the cold cup felt good against my skin…but yeah, there was no salvaging that one.
My lucky boyfriend got to witness both moments firsthand. He thinks they’re hilarious and LOVES to tell people. He regaled my cousins with the stories so now at every family gathering at least one person makes a hilarious joke about things coming in my mouth. Really classy, I know. My aunt and uncle had a field day with that one.
And he even told his coworkers. When I met some of them for the first time at a holiday party, one of them smiled and said, “I hear you really like pineapple chicken.” And then they ALL laughed. I was mortified. Not that I minded, it is quite funny. But still.
I'd like to say those are the only times I've made verbal slips, but that would be a lie. I won't even tell you about the time I commented out loud about the "huge pansies" in some city flower beds, only to notice (a bit too late) the gay men holding hands walking in front of me. I got a very dirty look for that one. Whoops!
So moral of the story: I need to think before I speak. And now I'm craving pineapple chicken again. Happy 100th everyone!
