This indecisiveness is killing me.

So, it's time to get personal. And a little serious. Because if I don't address what's bugging me, I might snap a little bit. 

Lately, I've been completely incapable of making a decision. And I mean any decision. From choosing an outfit for work to what drink I want at Starbucks, everything has been an impossible choice. I can barely stick to blogging topics anymore, hence the lack of posting. I couldn't even choose the place for my family birthday dinner last week. And last night, the thought of choosing which bar to go with my friends nearly made me skip out on the whole night. At the sound of "It's up to you", I completely panicked. My heart started thumping, I began to sweat and I just kept saying, " I don't care, I don't care, " which was a lie.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've always been indecisive about little stuff, but this is getting out of control. Lately, when I'm faced with a decision, it's like my mind shuts down. I get defensive, grumpy and really panicky. And I get really anxious and terrified that if I make the wrong choice, someone will get mad or be unhappy with me. It's like I've laid out a path of eggshells all around me, and I'm scared to make even one small move.

I know I'm feeling this way because I've got big, big changes on the horizon and I feel like my life is spinning out of my control. I'm really, really excited about the future, but I'm scared to death to put myself out there. And therefore, I feel like I have no right to make any choices, even if it's only about what food to eat. Time is flying by and I feel like I'm desperately clinging to anything I can to keep up. It's really starting to weigh on me. I've been sick, I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well and my emotions have been on an insane roller coaster ride. One minute I'm in a funk, wondering why everyone hates me, and the next I'm giddy as a school girl. 

Ugh, what the heck is up with me? I don't get why I'm feeling so....lost. And out of control. Even now, I'm sitting here wondering if I should even post this or not. My mind just changed itself about 7 times in the last minute. This is ridiculous.

Anyway, on a happier note, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and had a chance to get out and enjoy the gorgeous weather (well, here in Chicago at least). I know I did...and I have the lovely splotchy sunburn to prove it. 

A run-in with Debbie Downer

Last weekend, I ran to the grocery store with my Mom to pick up a few things.  We were ready to make a quick run through the store...until we ran in to my Mom's cousin. AKA Debbie Downer. And that meant a very long, very depressing conversation was inevitable.

Though we're close with the rest of our family, we've never been very close to my Mom's cousins  We know them well enough, but probably only see them every few years. In this case, it has been a couple years since any of us have caught up. And the thing is, Debbie has quite the reputation for dropping the most tragic, depressing, heart-wrenching drama bombs every time you talk to her. Everything is just sad, sad, sad. And this time was no exception.

It started off light with "how are yous" and a quick comment about her daughter getting into the college of her choice. And then BAM! twenty (yes twenty) long minutes of everything that has gone wrong over the last couple of years...

After hearing in detail about crystal meth addictions, abused children injuries, guns, accidents, witness protection stints, hospital trips and arrests, we thought it was over. 

But wait, that was only about ONE person in her life. Let's not forget the bouts with cancer, more addiction, oxygen tanks, homelessness, etc affecting the rest of her relatives.

It's horrible, it really is. She has had so much sadness and tragedy in her family and we're there to support her. But really? In the grocery store? We were standing next to the little smiley lamb cakes for goodness sakes. There is a time and a place for those conversations and the bakery section of the grocery store certainly isn't it. As she was talking, people kept walking by and you could tell by their shocked faces that they definitely overheard her story. I nearly laughed...but I'm not completely heartless, so I didn't. 

It was nice to see her and catch up. But after we said goodbye, my Mom and I both looked at each other, said a silent "Oh my God" and walked away very quickly. It kind of put a damper on our excited Easter moods. Thanks Debbie!

Oh and silly question, everyone...how do you get more friends on Twitter? Do I just randomly start following people? Just wondering...I love Twitter so far!