Sunday, June 21, 2009

This indecisiveness is killing me.

So, it's time to get personal. And a little serious. Because if I don't address what's bugging me, I might snap a little bit. 

Lately, I've been completely incapable of making a decision. And I mean any decision. From choosing an outfit for work to what drink I want at Starbucks, everything has been an impossible choice. I can barely stick to blogging topics anymore, hence the lack of posting. I couldn't even choose the place for my family birthday dinner last week. And last night, the thought of choosing which bar to go with my friends nearly made me skip out on the whole night. At the sound of "It's up to you", I completely panicked. My heart started thumping, I began to sweat and I just kept saying, " I don't care, I don't care, " which was a lie.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've always been indecisive about little stuff, but this is getting out of control. Lately, when I'm faced with a decision, it's like my mind shuts down. I get defensive, grumpy and really panicky. And I get really anxious and terrified that if I make the wrong choice, someone will get mad or be unhappy with me. It's like I've laid out a path of eggshells all around me, and I'm scared to make even one small move.

I know I'm feeling this way because I've got big, big changes on the horizon and I feel like my life is spinning out of my control. I'm really, really excited about the future, but I'm scared to death to put myself out there. And therefore, I feel like I have no right to make any choices, even if it's only about what food to eat. Time is flying by and I feel like I'm desperately clinging to anything I can to keep up. It's really starting to weigh on me. I've been sick, I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well and my emotions have been on an insane roller coaster ride. One minute I'm in a funk, wondering why everyone hates me, and the next I'm giddy as a school girl. 

Ugh, what the heck is up with me? I don't get why I'm feeling so....lost. And out of control. Even now, I'm sitting here wondering if I should even post this or not. My mind just changed itself about 7 times in the last minute. This is ridiculous.

Anyway, on a happier note, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and had a chance to get out and enjoy the gorgeous weather (well, here in Chicago at least). I know I did...and I have the lovely splotchy sunburn to prove it. 

3 comments:

Ali said...

I feel this a lot more than I'd like. You're normal, but that doesn't mean it's not irritating to feel that way. Here if you need to talk!

Bayjb said...

This is totally normal. Don't let it worry you. Your brain is just on vacation. you've had a lot going on and it's normal to take a break once in a while. If it's still like this in 2 months, I would worry, but that won't be the case.

So does that mean I should pick the next Bobtail meet up? :)

zenfullyme said...

I think your just overwhelmed and stressed. Knowing big changes are coming puts a lot of pressure on you. You can't do anything but wait for them to come. That's enough to give anyone anxiety. Everyone handles those things differently. When I'm stressed and overwhelmed, every little thing will make me tick and totally piss me off. If one little thing goes wrong it can almost send me over the edge. I get livid. (I'd take being indecisive over feeling irate)! (Feel lucky, cause I totally just admitted one of my biggest, most embarrassing faults)!